Harry Potter and the Holy Grail
by Phoenix with a Head Cold
Summary: Okay boys and girls, we're back! Okay, The REAL fifth scene is up! You see, this is called Yellow is a complete moron...ANYWAY, this is a Harry Potter/Monty Python and the Holy Grail hybrid type thing with a dash of our *ahem* humor in it.
1. Red and Yellow's Little Beginning Thingi...

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
[Harry and his trusty servant, Pansy (Parkinson), are zooming along (Pansy is holding a fan pointed at Harry and is rubbing two hand brooms together so it sounds like Harry is actually on a broom)]  
  
Yellow: Harry and his trusted servant, Pansy, are zooming along, uh.Harry has no broom because he spent all his money to buy out Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, now known as Harry's Pot Every Flavour.  
  
Red: (interupts with sniggers)  
  
Yellow: What's so funny?  
  
Red: Harry's.nevermind.  
  
Yellow: Anyway, they're off to this castle place.  
  
Red: Why?  
  
Yellow: Because.I dunno.They feel like it!  
  
Red: Well, that doesn't make any sense!  
  
Yellow: Okay, just shutup, I'm starting the story!  
  
Red: Okay. 


	2. Scene One

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
Harry: Come on Pansy!  
  
Pansy: (mumbles)  
  
Harry: (making broom noises) Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoa! A castle.carry on Pansy!  
  
(There's this neato big castle and Harry and Pansy *swish* up to it)  
  
Harry: (yelling up to castle) Hello?  
  
Man: Hark! Who goes there?  
  
Harry: Harry Potter! The-Boy-Who-Lived! Kid with the scar! Owner of Harry's Pot Every Flavour Beans! The.  
  
Man: (interrupts) self-absorbed weirdo?  
  
Pansy: Sorry, he's had too many beans.  
  
(Pansy and the guy snigger)  
  
Harry: What? WhatâEs so funny?  
  
Yellow: Yeah, I don't get it either.  
  
(Red, Pansy, and the dude snigger)  
  
Harry: Can we continue the story now?  
  
Red: Sure.  
  
Harry: Can I speak to the owner so he can join my knights of the oval table?  
  
Man: Oval?  
  
Harry: Can I get through a statement without someone making a comment?  
  
Pansy: No, Harry Pothead.  
  
Man and Pansy: Ahahahahaha!  
  
Harry: It's Pot-ter!  
  
Man and Pansy: (louder) AHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Harry: SHUTUP! CAN I SPEAK TO YOUR MASTER?  
  
Man: What will he do? Ride a broom?  
  
Harry: Yes.  
  
Man: But you have two hand brooms!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Man: You have two hand brooms that you are brushing together.  
  
Harry: So.  
  
Man: Hand brooms are not native to this area, you see the first were invented in France and.  
  
Harry: It doesn't matter, just let me speak to your master!  
  
Man: Where'd you get the hand brooms?  
  
Harry: We found them!  
  
Man: Found them?! In London? Now like I said, hand brooms are from France.  
  
Harry: Well, flamingoes are not native to this area and we see them in zoos.  
  
Man: Are you suggesting that hand brooms are alive?  
  
Harry: No it can be carried.  
  
Man: Carried?! By what? A flamingo?  
  
Harry: It doesn't matter if it can be carried, can I just speak to.  
  
Man: Unless it was a Canadian Flamingo.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Man: Wait, not a Canadian Flamingo.they cannot fly.  
  
(pause)  
  
Man 2: It could be carried by a Californian Flamingo.  
  
Man: Ah yes, maybe, but not a Canadian Flamingo.  
  
Man 2: But what if.  
  
Pansy: SHUTUP! SHUTUP! (throws hand brooms at the two men) I BOUGHT THEM AT THE DOLLAR STORE! GAWD!  
  
Harry: (frightened) Um.kay.b-but now how are we going to find the knights without brooms?  
  
Pansy: IT WAS A HAND BROOM! IT DID NOTHING! WE WALKED THE WHOLE WAY!  
  
Harry: No broom? How un-kingly.  
  
Pansy: You're not a king! You are a silly little boy with a scar on your head! (stalks off angrily)  
  
Harry: Uh.(looks around) come Pansy.(chases after Pansy)  
  
Man: But how did the hand brooms get to the dollar store.  
  
More Coming Soon! Read and Review! 


	3. Scene Two

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
We're skipping to the knight part cuz that's weally, weally funny!  
  
Pansy: (walking away from Harry with nose in the air)  
  
Harry: Come on Pansy! Puh-lease! I need you for my quest!  
  
Pansy: (quickly turns around) You are not a king and you are not on a quest. This is a low-budget story and my paying wages are as bad as a Chinese railroad worker's!  
  
Yellow: Okay, first of all, this is a film, and second.  
  
Red: We pay her that much?!  
  
Yellow: Shutup Red! (to readers) Sorry, we pay her.uh.$10 an hour!  
  
Red: Isn't that our budget money?  
  
Yellow: Shutup Red! (to readers) Yes, she's well paid and fed! (to Pansy) And you better not say anything otherwise!  
  
Pansy: Well, I don't care because I quit!  
  
Yellow: You can't quit!  
  
Pansy: And why not?  
  
Yellow: Because you uh.  
  
Red: Signed the contract!  
  
Pansy: I didn't sign any contract!  
  
Red: Yes you did!  
  
Pansy: Then show me.  
  
Yellow: Show her the contract, Red.  
  
Red: Huh?  
  
Yellow: (elbows Red and grits teeth at her) Show her the contract, Red!  
  
Red: Uh.oh yes! Wait, I have it.(reaches in pockets and grabs pen and paper and scribbles:  
  
"I Pansie wont kwit and stuf  
  
cuz I luv red and yello.  
  
-Pansie"  
  
Red: Here it is!  
  
Pansy: You just wrote that!  
  
Red: No I didn't.  
  
Pansy: Yes, yes you did! That's your handwriting!  
  
Red: (looks at paper) Nope, no. That's not mine. Yellow? Did you write that?  
  
Yellow: No, I have neat handwriting.  
  
Pansy: My name's not spelled right! Nothing's spelled right!  
  
Yellow: What?! (grabs paper) Red, can I talk to you?  
  
Red: Sure.  
  
Yellow: I don't know how you got into Honors English, but your spelling.generally.SUCKS!  
  
Red: Yeah.I know.  
  
Yellow: Okay.Plan B?  
  
Red: What's Plan B?  
  
Yellow: (whispers to Red)  
  
Red: Oh! I like Plan B!  
  
Yellow: (runs forward and handcuffs Harry and Pansy together) Oh no! You have become a two-headed creature!  
  
Harry: (completely falling for it) Oh no!  
  
Pansy: You just handcuffed us together!  
  
Red: Or so it seems!  
  
Pansy: Look! You did! (shakes handcuffs)  
  
Yellow: Well, Red, do you know what that means?  
  
Red: Yes.oh wait.no.  
  
Yellow: (rolls eyes) It means they have to agree on things!  
  
Red: Oh yes! I knew that!  
  
Yellow: Now, Pansy, do you want to quit?  
  
Pansy: I think we have established that.  
  
Yellow: Harry, do you want to quit?  
  
Harry: Uh.  
  
Red: (holds up sign that says:)  
  
"Nowe!"  
  
Harry: (sounds it out) Nnnnn.No!  
  
Yellow: Very good! Sorry Pansy, you can't quit!  
  
Pansy: Then I demand a raise!  
  
Red: Do you want bubblegum?  
  
Pansy: No! I want a raise!  
  
Red: (sticks gum in Pansy's mouth and tapes her mouth shut) There! You have bubblegum! Shutup!  
  
Yellow: Now, before we get side tracked again.(glares at Pansy) let's continue!  
  
Red: But I want bubblegum too!  
  
Yellow: SHUTUP!  
  
Red: (gasp) You said the Sh-word!  
  
Yellow: (whacks Red on the head repeatedly with a brick) Why won't you die?  
  
Red: I'm immune!  
  
Pansy:: Mmmhmf! Mmmfhm! Mmm!  
  
Yellow: What'd she say?  
  
Red: (who has seen Kenny on South Park oh so many times replies) She said, "I'm calling my lawyer!"  
  
Harry: Uh.can we go on with the story?  
  
Yellow: Yes Harry! Now act!  
  
Pansy: Mmfmh! Mmfph! Mmh!  
  
Harry: No, actually, I prefer Papaya over peach-lemon, but that's beside the point, let's go!  
  
Neville: I am the "tin-foil" knight!  
  
Yellow: Yes, we didn't have enough money to but Neville a real black suit, so we wrapped him in tin foil.  
  
Red: My mommy didn't like that.  
  
Harry: Hey! You already killed the guy!  
  
Neville: Well, you took so long, and.I got bored.  
  
Harry: Great! You just blew the whole fight scene!  
  
Neville: Sorry.  
  
Pansy:: Ooeeoo!  
  
Neville What'd she say?  
  
Harry: (lifts tape off Pansy's mouth)  
  
Pansy: (lifts wand) Crucio!  
  
Neville: (twitching on the ground in pain) Ahhh!  
  
Harry: Good job! Come Pansy!  
  
Pansy: Shutup.(trails behind Harry) 


	4. Scene Three

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
Yellow: What happens in this scene?  
  
Red: Oh! Oh! It's Dennis!  
  
Yellow: No, no, Pansy took too long, let's go to the witch part.  
  
Red: But I like Dennis.  
  
Yellow: Go sit in your corner, Red, and shutup!  
  
Red: Ah.(Red walks away)  
  
Yellow: Oh poo.I like Dennis too.  
  
The Little Racist Town  
  
Red: Gawd, I hate that town!  
  
Crowd of People: It's a muggle! A muggle! Burn 'im! Burn 'im!  
  
Hagrid: (playing Stoopid Racist Villager #1) We found a muggle, may we burn 'im?  
  
Hermione: (playing Bedivere) How do you know he's a muggle?  
  
Hagrid: (looks at script) Er.'e looks like one!  
  
Neville: (Now taken out of Crucio curse to be a muggle) Wait,I'm not a muggle!  
  
Hermione: But you are dressed as one.  
  
Neville: What? They dressed me as this!  
  
Hermione: Did you dress him as this?  
  
Hagrid: Noooo.  
  
Filch: (playing Stoopid Racist Villager #2) Naw.  
  
Hermione: Well then! You're a muggle!  
  
Neville: No! No really! I'm not!  
  
Hermione: Then simply fix.these glasses! (holds out glasses)  
  
Crowd: (gasps) Gasp!  
  
Neville: Oculus Reparo!  
  
(nothing happens)  
  
Filch: 'E's a muggle!  
  
Neville: Wait! This is not my wand. It's a stick!  
  
Hagrid: Noooo.  
  
Filch: Naw.  
  
Hermione: Well, there are other ways of telling if he's a muggle.  
  
Hagrid: Really? What?  
  
Filch: Yes, tell us!  
  
Hermione: What do you do with muggles?  
  
Crowd: Burn 'em!  
  
Hermione: And what do you burn apart from muggles?  
  
(pause) cricket cricket cricket  
  
Filch: Wood?  
  
Hermione: Good.  
  
Hagrid: Oh yeah, of course!  
  
Hermione: And how do you burn the wood?  
  
Hagrid: Yer pour vodka on it!  
  
Hermione: Yes! And what else do you do with vodka?  
  
Hagrid: Drink it!  
  
Hermione: And who drinks vodka? (to Hagrid) Apart from you?  
  
Filch: Russians!  
  
Hermione: Yes and since all Russians are drunken witches and wizards unless they are muggles, that means.  
  
Hagrid: So if 'e drinks the vodka, it means 'e's Russian.  
  
Hermione: And therefore.?  
  
Hagrid: A drunk?  
  
Hermione: No, a witch! (shoves vodka bottle in Neville's mouth)  
  
Neville: No! I'm not drinking that! Ew!  
  
Red: Good boy that Neville!  
  
Neville: I'm not even Russian! I'm Polish and Dutch!  
  
Red: I'm confused.  
  
Yellow: Let me get this straight.He's a wizard if he drinks the vodka, but only if he's Russian.What if he's not Russian?  
  
Red: Then he's screwed.  
  
Filch: Wait, I'm Russian and I don't drink.  
  
Hagrid: Burn 'em all!  
  
Yellow: Okay everyone! Shutup! You're all racist!  
  
(everyone stops)  
  
Yellow: I'm the director! Now I say.Hagrid you're a stoopid drunk, Neville is cool, Filch is cool, don't kill them! Hermione, you're bad at muggle stuff, and this isn't working so we're just moving on! Red! Be the narrator! I'm going on a break! Ugh!  
  
Red: Yes! My turn as narrator! Ahem! (clears throat) After the villagers tried to burn Neville, Harry took him on his quest. (Neville no is playing Sir Robin) Harry also chose Hermione (Sir Bedevere), Ron (Sir Galahad), and Malfoy (Sir Lancelot). 


	5. Scene Four

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
Yellow: (comes back with a Diet Vanilla Coke) Yes, a Diet Vanilla Coke, I am refreshed.  
  
Red: Ya know, putting 20 pixy stix in it defeats the whole diet thing.  
  
Yellow: Shutup, Red!  
  
Scene: Camelot!  
  
Snape: (reclining on a grrrrand piano in sequiny red cocktail gown) Hey Big Spender. Spend a little time with me.  
  
Everyone: (twitch) twitch.  
  
Snape: From the minute you walked in the door  
  
I could tell you were a man of distinction.  
  
Red: Uh.Snapie.  
  
Snape: A REAL BIG SPENDER!  
  
Yellow: You're in the wrong story! Go back to Ruffle! (to readers) Sorry folks, that's what happens when you try to write two stories at once!  
  
Hermione: (winks at Snape)  
  
Yellow: (twitches) WRONG STORY! (sighs) Actors.  
  
Red: Uh.Yellow? Does Mrs. Peterson ring a bell?  
  
Yellow: Shutup Red! Now, can we PLEASE continue?  
  
"Knights": We are the knights of Camelot!  
  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!.  
  
Yellow: Just stop! I really don't want to hear singing right now! Just please stop!  
  
Hermione: But if we stop now, the story will be.well.wrong!  
  
Red: And.?  
  
Hermione: But it won't be right. It will be.flawed!  
  
Yellow: (gasps) She's right.  
  
Red: Gawd, Yellow is obsessive compulsive.  
  
Yellow: Do you have a problem with that?  
  
Red: Yes.  
  
Yellow: Good! Wait.what?  
  
Harry: My knights and I would like to go now please.  
  
Yellow: Yes, yes fine! Scene 5 everyone!  
  
Red: Can I borrow your cell phone?  
  
Yellow: Yes, yes go! 


	6. The REAL Scene 5

Harry Potter and the Holy Grail  
  
  
  
Yellow: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and Neville are walking along with their servants. Pansy is still handcuffed to Harry. When suddenly (dramatic pause) God appears!  
  
(nothing happens)  
  
Yellow: AND GOD APPEARS!  
  
(nothing happens)  
  
Dumbledore: Uh, the lights and clouds aren't working.  
  
Yellow: Cut! (twitch) Who is in charge of the lights?!  
  
Red: (waves hands from rafters in ceiling) Meeee!  
  
Yellow: (hits self with script) Okay.(downs a few pixy stix) Dumbledore, just.just pretend you're God.  
  
Dumbledore: Ya know, this whole God thing isn't working for me.  
  
Yellow: (sighs) Sigh.Pretend you're a news caster.  
  
Dumbledore: (picks up stick and uses it as a microphone) And now for our news-breaking story!  
  
(suddenly a paper-mache news set drops down, a desk appears out of the ground and head line music is playing)  
  
Yellow: Red, you can do all that, but you can't turn on the lights?!  
  
Red: (looks down) I am light-switch impaired. (big smile)  
  
Yellow: (slaps script against forehead)  
  
(back on the set Dumbledore is im a snazzy suit and a strange girl is in her pajamas with a sleeping bag and a teddy bear under her arm.just standing there.)  
  
Dumbledore: Harry and his crew are on a quest, (important news caster voice) A quest for what? None other than the Holy Grail! (a grail appears on the television) Yes, this grail is not only Holy, it's also pure gold with an assortment of rubies, emeralds, and other shiny things! In other news.  
  
Girl on Set: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!  
  
Yellow: Oh no! Waldomier, what are you doing here?  
  
Waldomier: Red invited me! We're having a schleep over!  
  
Yellow: You invited her?!  
  
Red: Yesh! We are having a schleep over!  
  
Yellow: This story is supposed to be about Harry Potter, not us!  
  
Waldomier: (in tears) (pouty lip) Do you mean I-I-I can't shtay?  
  
Yellow: Oh, oh fine.just go sit in the corner.  
  
Red and Waldomier: Yay!  
  
Yellow: Okay, this is so messed, we're going onto the 6th scene, but I don't want you two to interrupt! 


	7. Scene Six

CHEESE! 


End file.
